I Am Happy

Today, for the first time since I left her in 2011, I saw my ex-wife in a social setting. I've seen her in divorce court, forced to go to BC twice, once before diagnosis and once after. Other than that I have only spoken to her on the phone once, when her brother died. Beyond that, nothing. So it was interesting to see her today, to see how I would react.

My first glimpse of her was when she walked in the door. I had no real reaction, and actually paid very little attention to her. I think she was rather disconcerted by this. I don't know what she was expecting, but a joyful reunion was not something I was up for. Her first glance at me was filled with this doleful look of pity, or perhaps sadness on her part. I'm not sure what she was feeling. I'm guessing she was processing the fact that I wasn't heartbroken or in need of her approbation.

We were at Kate's engagement lunch, along with Phil, his boys, his parents, his sister and her partner, Mary, and her children. I was near the middle. Mary sat between us and she sat a couple of seats away. Quinn was next to her and I commented on how excited he had been to know that he was going to see her at lunch. There was little said after that, except to discuss the death of one of our children's friends and a diagnosis of Parkinson's for one of my life long friends. Beyond that, I spent my lunch enjoyng a lively chat with Phil's family.

The most distressing part was at the end of lunch. Once again that look of pity came over her, a look that almost repulsed me. I need no pity. She said "I hope you find peace and love." "I already have", I responded. It was not a planned response. Those words popped out of my mouth before I could even think about them. Of course words often pop out of my mouth before I think of them. Perhaps a kinder person might have said thank you, or responded with a similar emotional expression. I did not.

Then I started thinking about it. I found peace almost immediately after leaving the marriage. I have been very happy over the last six years, enjoying life as much as I can. As to finding love, I am surrounded by it, with friends and family constantly uplifting me as I struggle with ALS. What I haven't found is a lover, someone to be with me in a physical sense. Yet I am happy, happier than I ever could have been had I been living with that pitying look and her emotionally controlling framework.

Yes, I have found peace and love. I don't know if she has. Would it be too cruel to say I don't really care? Does it make me a bad person that I am concerned about my own well-being first? I guess as a human being I hope she finds what she is looking for out of life. I want her to be happy too. She didn't seem that way today, except for those few moments when we talked about others. As to me, I am in a good space. I am happy.